Icebreaker activities at orientation leave record number of freshmen dead

An estimated 1,200 prospective UNT students have lost their lives so far this summer during mandatory icebreaker activities at freshman orientation, according to a university spokesperson. This body count is a new record for the school, exceeding 2013’s death toll by more than 500 students.

Orientation Program Director Raymond Julio says that although this year’s carnival of death was undeniably metal as fuck, campus administration may request changes to the most dangerous icebreaker activities in order to ensure that some portion of UNT’s freshman population is alive to attend classes in the fall.

Particularly under scrutiny is the popular “Lava Nice Day” activity, in which students are required to navigate an increasingly complex ropes course situated directly over a pit of molten lava. Sources confirm that despite its cheerful name, not a single nice day was experienced during the activity – only the horrific spectacle of melting bone entwined with a sickening aroma of seared flesh.

“These activities are intended to break down the barriers between new students, forcing them to band together and confront challenges while forming bonds of friendship that last a lifetime,” said Julio, cackling madly at a looped video of a freshman falling headfirst into the glowing lava pit cut with the Benny Hill theme.

The UNT spokesperson also said that although the “Have an Ice Day” activity, which challenges students to carve a statue of Scrappy from a solid block of ice with pickaxes before freezing to death in a frozen cave, claimed several hundred lives this year, campus administrators liked the resulting statues so much that no changes are planned for the activity next summer.

Dr. Joyce White, Vice President of Student Affairs, says that while the 1,200 dead students will be mourned, their contribution to the campus will be “forever honored” by using their skulls and assorted bones as a foundation for the new Rawlins Hall residence building, set to open next year.

Six can’t-miss UNT classes to take this fall

Picking classes for the fall at UNT puts you face-to-face with an overwhelming mountain of completely lame bullshit. History? Snore. Science? Liberal propaganda. Capstone? What the fuck is that, anyway?

Thankfully, it’s not too late to switch out of these lame “mandatory” classes and do what you really came to college for: expanding your horizons! Next time you’re dreading taking your fourth Spanish class or whatever, swap in these gems instead.

PHED 2069: Intermediate Babymaking

From fornication to fertilization, learn how to put a little miracle inside that girl with the lazy eye from anthropology. Just make sure you have the proper baby-making music ready at all times.

COMM 1010: Introduction to Introductions

This intro-level class will introduce students to introducing themselves. If you like this course, consider taking its follow-up classes: Intermediate Intermediaries 101010 and Advanced Advancement 10101010.

LSCM 1169: Collaborative Cartel Infrastructure

Is your drug trafficking outfit ripping at the seams? Run a tight crystal ship with this foolproof course in discipline, reinforcement and waterboarding, for all the skills you need to push your crystal blue persuasion.

Prerequisite(s): CHEM 1400 or equivalent.

CJUS 800D: Advanced Dickpunching

Refine your groin clobbering technique with Professor “Nasty Neal” Smatresk’s patented dickpunching program. Protective equipment and medicated ointment required.

THEA 455: Assclowning Practicum

Clown asses? Asses that look like clowns? There’s only one way to find out.

HNRS 4173: Honors Classical Arson

Study fire-setting techniques from the pyromaniacs of antiquity while collaborating on a group project to burn down your choice of campus building.

Art student decides to give marijuana a shot

Gavin Rainbow, a studio art sophomore at UNT, thinks now is the time to see what this whole “marijuana” craze is all about.

“I’ve never really thought much about pot,” he said. “But the other week, I was having trouble figuring out what direction to go with my latest assignment in sculpture class, and one of my friends was like, ‘dude, hit the bong before you do your homework.’”

Rainbow says he didn’t realize recreational marijuana use could possibly enhance creativity. He also says he had no idea literally everyone around him was smoking it all the time.

“I started asking around, and it turns out that every single person in my art classes smokes before coming up with ideas for projects. Plus, they smoke all those other times, too,” he said. “Maybe they’re coming up with ideas every day?”

According to UNT Health Services Administrator Dr. Steve Herbert, marijuana smoking is completely harmless and a pretty badass thing to do, generally. “I’m not saying I toke myself,” he said, “but I watch other people who smoke all the time and literally nothing bad ever happens. I may not be a doctor, but I think the evidence is clear.”

Rainbow says that while he thinks his art has been good in the past, using marijuana might make his ideas and work ethic even better.

“I know this one guy who smokes a ton of pot and then goes to the gym to work out. He’s like, buffed out as fuck, too,” he said. “My cousin does it every day and he’s like the smartest guy I know. I can’t wait to start.”

Student Voices: I’m starting to get a little worried about this whole ‘diversity’ thing

By Wyatt Ludlow, marketing junior

I’m beginning to feel like I don’t belong here, at least not anymore.

Everywhere I go, I see posters and brochures and giddy tour guides crowing about how diverse the student body is at UNT. All I see is an ocean of faces, and they’re slowly looking less and less like me. Honestly, I’m a little nervous about it. And in my shoes, who wouldn’t be?

I mean, just the other day I saw a poster for the new student Union all those Mexicans are building (and taking their sweet time, might I add!), and noticed that out of the five smiling students they threw on there walking through the hypothetical Union those shiftless construction workers haven’t finished yet, only one of them was white, and she was a female.

I think that’s a load of shit, personally. I mean, is it still okay to be a white male on this campus? Do I need to start getting tan and calling myself something vaguely “ethnic” just to fit in? Because I’ll do that, but I won’t be happy about it.

Hell, it doesn’t stop there. I’ll go to parties every now and then, trying to get my drink on with my fellow students in a comfortable, familiar setting, and then I walk through the door and realize only 60 to 70 percent of the group looks like me, and the cooler is full of some weird ethnic beer I’ve never seen before.

I’m not saying I don’t like to get freaky with chicks from other countries here and there, but is it a crime to want to smash some white beaver every once in a while? Because it sure looks that way.

Are they going to start hiding the white people? I’ll live a quiet life somewhere secluded if that’s the plan. Like, camp out in the woods or whatever. I just want somebody to tell me. If you’re going to make all the white men on this campus live in a separate dorm or take their own special classes or something away from everybody else, just send me a letter or maybe an Eagle Alert or whatever and let me know, because I’m going crazy over here. Peace.

Alumni Voices: What did you do at UNT?

WE ASKED FORMER STUDENTS WHAT THEY DID DURING THEIR TIME AT UNT. HERE’S WHAT THEY CAME UP WITH.

“Paid for my tuition with a summer job.”

“Butt chugged, mostly.”

“Introduced the campus to crack cocaine in the late ’80s.”

“Convinced my liberal communist atheist professor that God was real by making a rousing speech in class, after which the entire room broke out in spontaneous applause.”

“Pretty much stayed in my dorm and watched anime.”

“9/11.”

Christian fraternity actually just Bible study

Sophomore business student Jeff Halton, a pledging member of UNT Christian fraternity Beta Upsilon Chi, says the organization isn’t exactly what he expected when he joined.

“Honestly, BYX is less of a fraternity and more of an extended bible study,” he said. “We don’t have our own house, so most of the guys live together in small groups. We get together for devotional a couple of times a week, go to church together, do some volunteer work here and there and throw the most tragically sober parties you could possibly imagine.”

“It’s basically like, a church camp, except at college,” Halton added.

Halton said he was enticed to join the religious fraternity after noticing that “they used Greek letters like all the other fraternities” and appeared to host Rush Week events and other parties.

“It’s just kind of disappointing,” he said. “I mean, I consider myself a Christian, and I’m not really that wild, but I thought we might throw at least a couple of keggers every semester.”

Instead, Halton says, the group plays root beer pong at all its parties and ends the night with a devotional.

“We can’t even slow dance with our dates at formals — do you understand how lame it is to side hug someone when you’re 19 years old? I’m not asking for bacchanalia here, I just want to grab someone’s ass.”

The sophomore says he’s keeping his options open, but isn’t ready to give up on the fraternity just yet.

“I mean, a lot of these dudes have rich parents, so I’m sure the networking aspect of the organization is still there,” Halton said. “If I’m lucky, one of my brothers’ dads can get me a job after college, working at a company that’s probably just as Christian as this fraternity. Jesus, that’s a depressing thought.”

Halton then went back to his bedroom to furtively pleasure himself, despite making a pact with his brothers earlier that week to abstain from masturbation.

UNT unveils new interdimensional trash warping systems

In an effort to decrease waste on campus and continue a tradition of sustainability, the UNT facilities department has installed 12 new trash bins around campus designed to warp trash into other, less important dimensions.

The complex rubbish container uses an internal hadron collider to accelerate trash particles to a speed fast enough to break through dimensional fabrics and shoot the trash out of our sad, throwaway culture, hopefully directly on top of some shitty aliens somewhere.

UNT sustainability outreach coordinator Nicole Cocco called the technology “absolutely dope as fuck,” but said she has no earthly idea how it actually works.

“Jesus Christ,” she explained. “Seriously, what the hell. It hisses and makes cool laser sounds and the trash is just gone.”

Students have been warned not to insert their hands, legs or genitals into the bins, which could cause these appendages to be severed from the body and sent spiraling through space and time and likely end up in the front yard of some dick-looking snake alien dudes or whatever.

Environmental science graduate students believe this ripshit-awesome technology could solve trash disposal problems for several thousand years, at least until the collision with the Andromeda galaxy in 18039, when dimensional crossovers are most likely.

“We may have to pay the price someday,” said one student. “But until then, we should be totally free to dump anything into neighboring dimensions. Fuck everyone who isn’t me.”

The Electric Eagle’s August 2014 Lookbook

Summer is the season to let your look cut loose. Go wild, don’t be afraid to show some skin, and take a peek at our August 2014 lookbook for the inspiration you need to craft your perfect outfit next month. Don’t forget the sunscreen!

1. The Beach Fedora

Keep your greasy dome safe from sand and sun with this touch of fun flair for any beachy outfit. Experiment with different plaids and pastel colors for an extra-summery look. Pipe optional, but classy as all hell.

2. Juggalo EVERYTHING

Summer may be hot, but the musical stylings of the Insane Clown Posse are even hotter! Haute hatchet couture from Psychopathic Records’ most beloved rap duo will give your look that white trash edge you didn’t know you needed.

3. Open Carry

Think a weapon shouldn’t be used as a fashion accessory? Well, fuck you! It doesn’t even matter what else you wear with your high-caliber chic, because heads will be turning wherever you go.

4. Wildebeest Skull

Nothing will get the ladies purring quite like asserting your alpha male status with a fresh kill. Bonus points if it still holds the scent of your raw, unbridled bloodlust!

5. Presidential Sweats

Think sweatpants aren’t fashionable? Perhaps you haven’t met our little friend, President Ronald Wilson Reagan. If those grey shapeless abominations are good enough for the gipper, they’re sure as shit good enough for you. Are you a fucking communist or something? Where am I?

UNT introduces new construction-themed mascot, ‘Kenny the Crane’

Last night, UNT officials unveiled Kenny the Crane, a new mascot inspired by the university’s seemingly endless on-campus construction projects. 

Kenny, who will replace Scrappy the Eagle at most campus events, is a steel tower crane standing more than 100 feet tall. When he’s not lifting heavy loads on construction sites, his hobbies include picking up litter and helping inner-city kids stay off drugs, saying that “only cranes are supposed to get high.” His motto is “Going up, up, UP!”

UNT spokesperson Ray Gelden said that while the university will miss Scrappy, Kenny the Crane better represents the campus as it is today. “You can’t walk twenty feet around this place without running into a construction site, and you can see Kenny at the new Union site for miles around. Why not make the endless construction part of our school’s traditions?”

Trey Rogers, a certified crane operator who frequently uses Kenny at the Union site, says he’s not convinced the change is a good idea. “Every day I’m up here tryin’ to run this fuckin’ crane, and all he wants to do is blab at me about turning the lights off whenever I leave a room and staying away from secondhand smoke. If he asks me to sing that goddamn ‘Drugs are Just Crane Bad’ song with him again I’m gonna dynamite the son of a bitch.”

President Smatresk really tearing through poontang at freshman orientation

According to multiple sources, notorious poonhound and UNT President “Nasty Neal” Smatresk is totally annihilating the fresh skirt crop at the university’s freshman orientation this summer.

“Yeah, I play the field,” Smatresk said immediately before sinking a sweet game-winning beer pong shot at a recent fraternity party. “What can I say? I’m a slave to the pussy game.”

The 63-year-old man says he accredits a long string of successful hookups to his skilled, generous sexual technique. “I get those thighs shaking,” Smatresk said. “Wear ’em like they’re earmuffs, no shit.”

The university president added that while he’s “not some kind of weirdo” and makes sure his conquests are of legal age before “moving in for the kill,” he doesn’t think there’s anything strange about the difference in age between himself and his partners.

“Shit, man, this ain’t their first ball game, they definitely know what they’re doing. You know that $23 million UNT ‘lost’ this year? Bought a lot of sugar for this daddy. Scored my babes some sweet-ass cribs with that dough. Not to mention the child support. Jesus, is this thing still on? If you print this, I’ll fucking kidnap you.”