University introduces controversial new ‘Eagle Enslaved’ tuition plan

After the overwhelming popularity of the new Eagle Express accelerated tuition plan, the financial administration of UNT is ready to take affordable college education one step further. Yesterday, the school’s Board of Regents unveiled the “Eagle Enslaved” tuition track — which is exactly what it sounds like.

The details of the plan are simple: Students will receive 15 free hours of credit per semester in exchange for spending their summers, weekends, early mornings, late evenings, holidays, and essentially any other time they aren’t attending class working in the school’s new plantation-style farming community a few miles south of campus. Individuals utilizing the plan will have the opportunity to work outdoors, gaining valuable hands-on agricultural experience.

Students will have to wait until the beginning of next semester to give the plan a try, but the intense nature of the slavery-based tuition payment structure has already attracted controversy.

“I’m willing to work two humiliating minimum-wage jobs and burden myself with a lifetime of crippling debt to pay for classes,” said freshman psychology major Diane Rinkle, “But actual slavery makes me uncomfortable, for some reason. Toiling in the fields? Shit, do you know how hot it gets out there?”

Despite criticism, UNT Student Affairs spokesperson Gene Matlock said that despite its “snappy title,” the new tuition plan technically does not constitute full enslavement, since students using the program are compensated for their labor in the form of credit hours.

“History buffs will love this option, since it offers students the opportunity to experience our nation’s long history of chattel slavery and indentured servitude firsthand,” he said. “That sweat pouring down your brow? Son, that’s the American dream you’re soaking in.”

North Texas Pigeon nominated for ‘Trash Bucket Challenge’

Starting right now, the Electric Eagle officially nominates the staff of the North Texas Pigeon for the IBS Trash Bucket Challenge. This means that the Pigeon’s staff has 24 hours to film and upload a video of themselves dumping a decent-sized bucket of trash on their heads. If they don’t, the site must donate $100 dollars to the International Foundation for Functional Gastrointestinal Disorders (IFFGD).

The Trash Bucket Challenge, currently a viral sensation sweeping the nation, aims to raise money and increase awareness for those suffering from irritable bowel syndrome. We hope the fine folks at the Pigeon have what it takes!

Better hit the dumpster!

UNT doctors request funds to research ‘weird dangly thing in your throat’

Medical researchers at UNT filed a request Monday for more than $15 million in grants, earmarked specifically for the investigation of “the weird dangly thing that just hangs there at the back of your throat.”

“It’s totally sick,” said Dr. Allan Hessel, Administrative Director of Medical Research at the UNT Health Science Center. “But it’s also kind of cool,” he added, prodding the back of a cadaver’s throat with the tip of a pencil.

“Look at the way it wiggles when I poke it,” Hessel said. “It’s like his mouth has a ballsack.”

The Center says it has no previous research to reference, and that current trials related to investigating the weird-ass egg sac-looking thing consist mainly of poking it and taking the occasional Instagram picture.

“We’re all totally grossed out over here,” said researcher Craig Dungess. “What if it’s full of boogers or something?”

The research student went on to explain that “the little punching bag dealio back there” may forever remain an unsolvable mystery, just like how magnets work, what holds the moon up, and whether or not girls pee from their butts.

4 cool things to do in Denton this weekend

1. Plan a baby kidnapping competition with your friends. The younger the baby, the better — they’re easier to carry! For extra fun, leave quirky ransom notes behind, asking for something silly like a whole pound of jelly beans! Threaten their child with violence if they do not comply.

2. Denton is famous for its creepy old buildings and scary stories, so why not go on a ghost hunt? First, camouflage yourself to look like one, or else you’ll spook them away! Try wearing white bedsheets and a pillow case to cover your head — don’t forget the eye holes! Ghosts, like demons, hate Jesus, so be sure to carry a cross with you. The bigger, the better!

3. If you’ve got a neighbor with a loud, annoying dog, give this cool prank a try. First, carefully remove their dog and replace it with a dead version of their dog. Then hide in a bush nearby. Once they figure out the crazy switcheroo, yell “Gotcha!” You won’t believe the looks on their faces!

4. If you’re still bored, try sliding into the DMs (“Divine Messages”) of your nearest church, repenting of your sins, and pledging obedience to The Lord to live a life of purity. After all, pranks and parties are fun, but spending your eternity in Heaven is the trillest of all.

UNT announces plan to include typo in mass email

A spokesperson from the UNT Division of Student Affairs announced today that the school is currently developing a plan to include a “fairly embarrassing” typo in an upcoming mass email to its entire student body.

“We’re still figuring out the details, but I can confirm that the typo will be obvious to an overwhelming majority of the student body, even if they can’t read too good,” said spokesperson Donald Wilcox.

According to the university, the content of the typo is still undetermined, but some promising concepts have already emerged by researching the school’s vast catalog of previous typos, such as these specimens below: 

“We might make the typo right in the subject line of the email, so you can see that we fucked up without even opening it,” Wilcox explained. “If we do that, we’ll also make sure to put it in the first couple of words, so students will notice our sheer incompetence even if they’re checking email on their phones.”

English Department President Deborah Sneed said that while rampant typographical errors are not generally considered proper for professional correspondence, she believes that the typo plan is “a bold move” for the university.

“Students at UNT have come to expect dropped apostrophes, bizarre capitalization, needless punctuation and outright misspellings in the emails they receive from practically every department of this university,” Sneed said. “By planning out the next typo in advance, the administration of this school is simply maintaining a laughable, ham-fisted sort of consistency.”

A special message from President Smatresk

Listen up, you little turd punchers.

We’re barely a few months away from a shiny new semester, and before one of you robust idiots fucks the whole thing up by falling off a frat house roof drunk or kidnapping a TAMS student, I figured we’d have a little powwow and plot this whole thing out.

As you all probably know, this whole “new union” business is eating large out of my sugar daddy trust fund. But despite the cost, I want to assure you unquestionably that my balls will, in fact, fit comfortably inside the building.

The Gruesome Twosome has been tearing up streets and cracking foundations for decades. That bump in the road on Hickory and Avenue C? All thanks to these testicular titans. But now, we’re gonna have a building on campus that’s big enough for me and my enormous balls, which I’m pretty fucking jazzed about.

That brings me to my overall point, kinda: We’re not all that different, you and me. During the day, I might be shaking hands and greeting incoming freshmen, but during the night I’m tossing back cups of lean and backhanding like there’s no fucking tomorrow.

Nasty Neal’s in the trap, and everyone’s getting toasted.

But when I put my pants on in the morning, I put them on just like everyone else. Except I have to cut out that special hole for my monstrous balls, or risk a chafe worse than the one on your mom’s back from pounding her since before you were born and also during your birth.

I am your god, essentially, and it’s time to pay fucking tribute.

Sorry, I got a little off track there. What were we talking about again? Oh, yeah, don’t fuck up this semester, okay? I know we all like to get twisted, but all it takes is one drunk idiot at a football game with some brass knuckles and bang, we all look like dicks on national TV.

Get stupid on the low and stay out of the public eye, or I’m never gonna move these stacks.

Later, nerds.

– “Nasty Neal” Smatresk, UNT Party President

UNT buys $28 million blimp for some reason

Yesterday, the University of North Texas purchased a 190-foot-long blimp valued at more than $28 million for reasons that remain almost entirely unclear. 

University spokesperson Kent Jones says the school could probably fly the blimp over football games or maybe advertise with it or something, but the UNT administration will have to figure all of that lame shit out later once they’ve stopped using it to join the mile-high club with cheerleaders and other cool party activities along those lines.

“If you’re seriously too much of a pussy to figure out why we’d spring for a dope-ass zeppelin, I’d suggest taking you and your diaper to another university, because this is how we roll here,” Jones explained, popping a bottle of champagne and spraying it over a crowd of strippers. 

Jones says buying the blimp wasn’t a difficult decision for the University’s administration: “The thought process was something like this: Our endowment is $124 million, and this blimp cost less than that amount.”

Ronda Hardwick, a spokesperson for the National Blimp Enthusiast Lobby, says this kind of impulse buy is completely normal, and that it’s in fact silly to ask any questions regarding it. “Who could resist purchasing such a majestic airship when the funds with which to do so are sitting right there for the taking? I would have bought two,” she said.