Financial woes force UNT president to open lemonade stand

After a financial investigation by the State Auditor’s Office determined that UNT owes at least $75.6 million to the State of Texas due to years of budgetary mismanagement, University President “Nasty Neal” Smatresk hopes to raise the money the only way he can — setting up a lemonade stand on campus.

Neal Smatresk’s Mean Green Lemonade will continue to sell “delicious, refreshing” lemonade to thirsty students for 5 cents a cup until the debt to the state is paid off, President Smatresk said.

“Look, I’m no stranger to poor financial record keeping,” Smatresk said. “Back when I was dealing, I’d short people all the time and almost got my legs broken for it by some shifty Yakuza types. But I learned my lesson, and now I’m going to raise the money the right way with this honest, legitimate business.”

At 5 cents per cup, the President will have to sell more than 1.5 billion cups of lemonade to pay off the debt. Still, Smatresk says he’s optimistic. “I get the lemons from my mom, so my overhead costs are almost zero,” he said.

Smatresk added that if there’s still any money left over after paying back the $75.6 million, he plans on using it to buy a new bike.

Despite rumors that UNT’s well-known party president is using the stand under cover of night as a hub for illegal gambling, bare-knuckle boxing matches and prostitution, no living sources are willing to go on record as of press time.

Campus Voices: I could have been Darren Wilson.

By Officer Anonymous, UNT Police Department

I could have been him. Darren Wilson, I mean.

It’s not so difficult to imagine. All it takes is one bad night. One dorm room drug bust gone belly-up. One bad apple refusing to use designated crosswalks. That’s all it takes to bathe this campus in the blood of an unarmed adolescent.

There would be so, so much blood. All over the Library Mall. Droplets cooling on the wings of the eagle statue. Great big crimson pools, coagulating at Scrappy’s feet.

What I’m saying is, the odds of me gunning down a UNT student — either in the line of duty or simply because they frightened me — are not statistically insignificant. Apply the same thinking to every other armed officer on this force, and a future shooting becomes almost inevitable.

That stuff that’s been going down for months in Ferguson? Tragedy. So many good cops, getting their name dragged through the muck by a savage mob. That kind of thing could happen here, if we murdered someone. Don’t think I haven’t thought about it, sometimes for hours at a time. Mouth sagging open, eyes rolled back, my body quivering in obscene bliss.

That doesn’t mean I’m not sympathetic to the protestors in Ferguson — there’s just no way they could understand what it’s like to be a cop on the beat without wearing a badge themselves. Until you’ve stood up to an angry mob on the streets or a particularly unruly dinner crowd at the Kerr dining hall, you can’t know what it means to walk the thin blue line.

Sometimes I think that literally the only thing preventing me from gunning down a teenager is that I wouldn’t want my fellow cops to get a bad rap from the public. It would definitely be a hassle. I’d still get away with it, though.

Besides, we can’t risk losing our vast collection of assault rifles, armored military-style vehicles, night vision sniper scopes and other heavy equipment more suited to fighting drug cartels or terrorist factions in an urban warfare scenario than any college student, even an extremely dark-skinned one with a wallet that looks oddly similar to a gun.

Or a toy gun that looks like a real gun. Or a toy gun that looks nothing like a real gun. A wooden stick with a silhouette oddly reminiscent of a rifle. Maybe a plastic sword or other costume prop weapon. They all paralyze me with fear, and as a cop, the prescription for fear is a heavy dose of violence, applied indiscriminately without fear of consequence.

Bottom line: If you’re a student, and you feel like engaging in minor criminal mischief on my campus, I want you to know that there is always a chance, however slim, that I will shoot you in cold blood for no reason except that I wanted to end your life. I will get away with it, and you will die.

Even if you’re lucky enough to catch me on my good side when you break the law, I’m probably thinking about killing you the whole time I’m booking you. I could shoot you while you’re wearing handcuffs and get a paid vacation. Remember that.

But don’t take it personally. You wouldn’t understand. It’s a cop thing. Just keep your head down and you’ll probably be fine.

UNT President declared ‘overqualified’ to roll blunts for Waka Flocka Flame

Weed-loving rapper Waka Flocka Flame made headlines last week after posting a job opening in his entourage for a personal blunt roller, with a starting salary of $50,000. After announcing Thursday that the position had been filled by actor Seth Rogen, Waka explained to Eagle reporters that while he previously considered UNT Party President “Nasty Neal” Smatresk the top candidate for the job, the president actually turned out to be “overqualified.”

“Nasty Neal’s blunt knocked me flat on my ass after one puff. This guy should be rolling for like, Arabic sheiks and shit, not me,” he said. “Besides, if I hit this before going on stage I don’t think I’d have any flow left.”

Neal “Trap Dean” Smatresk said he has been packing blunts for more than 50 years, and his unmatched technique “flat out baffled” Mr. Flame.

“I was rolling blunts in my old man’s balls,” self-proclaimed Hood Pope Smatresk explained. “I’m totally gonna party with this guy, but he needs someone with a more mellow roll, y’all feel me? I pack these swishers like I’m about to launch the hood into space. Y’all motherfuckers forget why they call us the Mean Green?”

Upon hearing that Seth Rogen was chosen for the position instead, Nasty Neal laughed, and with a twinkle in his eye, boasted that he taught “that little puke Seth” everything he knows about bluntcraft.

“He’ll do a great job,” the Party President said. “I couldn’t handle the pay cut anyway.”

Despite turning him down for a job, Waka says he’s excited to collaborate with President “Honey Bear” Smatresk on an EP, “Dean of Dank,” set to drop early next year.

SGA meeting disrupted by dastardly mouse

A meeting of the UNT Student Government Association was called off yet again this morning after a villainous rodent scurried into the fray, scattering the organization’s frightened members hither and thither.

According to numerous accounts of the pandemonium, the SGA was minutes away from formulating a plan to better represent the student body when the ruffian mouse made a bold dash across the meeting room table to the sound of shrieks and absconding senators.

“Confound that diabolical rodent!” grumbled SGA President Troy Elliott, waving his cane wildly at the beast from across the room. “Begone, you disorderly beast!”

SGA Intern Gertrude Fuller said the mouse has disrupted nearly every meeting so far this semester.

“Every time the student senate gathers to accomplish any of our goals, that filthy animal appears like magic to spoil the whole affair,” she said, standing on a chair and lifting her petticoat out of the mouse’s reach. “I say, if that vermin gets inside my bloomers I’ll positively faint.”

SGA Vice President Kam Willard said that until the terrible creature is dealt with, the SGA will be unable to accomplish nearly anything.

“This foul brute of a mouse seems to have his tiny little heart set upon preventing this government from performing its daily duties,” he said. “Until the menace is eradicated, there’s very little we can do besides tweeting.”

Mean Green football fans excited to blame violent behavior on beer sales

This fall, Apogee Stadium at UNT plans to sell beer at Mean Green football games for the first time, and fans of the team are excited to implicate the alcohol as the reason for an assortment of violent outbursts before, during and after home games.

“Before this season, Mean Green fans could only get a little rowdy, since it was impossible to be drunk at a game until now,” explained Coach Dan McCarney. “This fall, things are gonna change. I anticipate at least one or two good old-fashioned field rushes and a handful of stabbings. Whether or not we win. It’s inevitable, really,” he said.

Tomorrow’s game against SMU will be the first home game with beer sales for the Mean Green, and fans are already preparing for incredible feats of intoxicated hooliganism.

“If we lose to SMU, those rich little shits aren’t leaving the parking lot in one piece,” said Laron Clay, self-described Mean Green “superfan.”

“Let’s just say that somewhere in Denton, a bike is missing its chain,” he said. “Plus, I bought a police baton off Amazon.”

Clay said the new beer sales will provide plausible deniability for fans who succumb to their violent urges against fans of opposing teams, making their actions impossible to judge, even if they only actually drink “two or three brews.”

“If one of those overgrown frat boys from SMU tries to shake my hand, I’ll dust his fucking clock,” said Clay, whipping his bike chain around over his head like a lasso and sporting a visible erection.

When asked about tomorrow’s game, Mean Green mascot Scrappy, though unwilling to speak to Electric Eagle reporters, mimed an elaborate routine of caving in a man’s skull with an empty bottle and running away before police arrived.

Founder of obscure satirical newspaper to speak at UNT

A series of guest speaker appearances at UNT will continue later this month with a talk by a man named “Scott Dikkers,” who is the alleged founder of an obscure satirical newspaper known as “The Onion.”

This “Onion,” which supposedly runs fake news stories in print and online, is so undistinguished that not a single member of the Electric Eagle’s staff has ever heard of it.

It is uncertain what Dikkers will speak about, considering the small and unimportant nature of his line of work, but we can only imagine that he’ll spend most of his time shamelessly promoting the embarassing joke rag on which he has squandered his miserable life to the most naive, gullible members of our student body.

Dikkers, whose last name is probably a funnier joke than any found in his unpopular humor publication, will appear on campus on Thursday, Sep. 18.