UNT uses eminent domain to seize student’s lunch

After the University of North Texas announced last month that it may use its right of eminent domain to acquire the Sack & Save grocery store property adjacent to the campus, the university’s administration has announced a plan to again use eminent domain to seize the lunch of freshman student Diego Greene.

UNT Facilities Manager Jim Hull said that utilizing the university’s legal right to the student’s lunch, which is allegedly an “amazing looking” ham sandwich, is a necessary step toward the goal of becoming a top-tier research institution.

“This acquisition requires a rapid timeline of execution, keeping in mind the close proximity of lunchtime,” he said, glancing hungrily at his watch. “We feel that we know best how to use this sandwich, which might have been wasted in the hands of a student, as a tool to satisfy the university’s hunger for growth.”

UNT System Chancellor Lee Jackson assured students that while seizing Greene’s lunch may not directly benefit them now, it will undoubtedly serve untold numbers of hungry students in the years to come.

“Just look at that thing. There’s ham, Swiss, I may have even seen some avocado peeking out from under that crusty bread. My God, this student’s sandwich couldn’t be more perfect for the needs of a growing flagship university,” he said.

“We’ve also heard unconfirmed reports of Sun Chips,” he added.

Greene, a freshman psychology major, said that while he supports the university and respects their right of eminent domain, he’s not sure how taking his lunch will benefit the school.

“I mean, I know this university is growing, both in size and reputation. But what am I supposed to eat now? Do they really expect me to find the fresh bread, meat and produce necessary to create a sandwich this good at a fucking CVS?”

UNT fraternity pledge diagnosed with Ebola

A second case of the deadly hemorrhagic fever Ebola on American soil has reportedly appeared at the Gamma Delta Iota fraternity house at the University of North Texas. An unnamed freshman pledge at the fraternity was allegedly admitted to Denton’s Regional Hospital after displaying symptoms of the disease last night.

The freshman allegedly contracted the dangerous virus during an event called “Toilet Tuesday,” in which pledges compete to see who can clean one of the fraternity’s toilets the fastest using only their faces. As per university hazing policy, a fraternity spokesperson reassured reporters that Toilet Tuesday is completely optional and that pledges are not required to undergo the activity.

It is unclear exactly how the Ebola virus, which has killed more than 3,000 people over the course of an epidemic lasting for much of the year in West African countries including Liberia and Sierra Leone, was present in the fraternity’s toilet. The first American case of Ebola was diagnosed in Dallas yesterday.

Ray Gerstwhile, a spokesperson for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, reassured students at UNT that the risk of infection is statistically low, and that classes should continue to operate and the university should consider the fraternity’s Ebola outbreak completely normal, just as long as you consider normal life a hellish prison of doubt, fear and suffering.

“Frankly, the students on this campus should prepare themselves for a horrible, but mercifully quick death by the dark hand of an undoubtedly angry, indifferent God. But that is not to say we should panic — nay, panic, like our efforts to contain this apocalyptic plague, is but a farce, a puppet show put on to distract the human race from its utter cosmic insignificance,” he said.

“The black veil of obliteration is falling across this cursed Earth, and the only proper course of action is to lie down in the street and embrace the coming tide of inevitable death,” he added. “I am the darkness that closes in from the corners of your eyes. I am legion. I am eternal.”