UNT celebrates traditional Thanksgiving with slaughter of native Dentonites

The spirit of Thanksgiving is alive today at the University of North Texas — and thousands of Denton residents are dead, dying or wishing they were. That’s because this year, UNT History Department Chair Jack Winthrop is bringing the holiday back to its savage, genocidal roots. So what’s going on with Turkey Day in this quirky college town?

“I was tired of crass consumerism and tacky decor transforming this pure and pious holiday into a celebration of excess,” Winthrop explained. “The best way to bring this noble day of Christian observance back to its original intent, in my opinion, is to partake of the bountiful fruits of this fair land of Denton, while bringing the love of the Lord to its native people with a firm hand.”

To carry out Professor Winthrop’s vision, enthusiastic UNT students are donning period-accurate Pilgrim garb, taking up arms and waging a campaign of genocidal destruction upon the people of Denton, with the end goal of purifying the fertile land of savagery and exploiting its rich natural resources for their own personal gain.

But Winthrop says students don’t have to worry — they’ll still be able to find all their traditional Thanksgiving favorites this year.

“You’ll find plenty of stuffing — stuffing mangled corpses into dumpsters, that is! And don’t forget the cranberry sauce! It’s blood,” he said.

“What you thought was cranberry sauce is actually blood,” he added.

Journalism freshman Samuel Carver said he’s enjoying the holiday more than ever before.

“It’s nice to get away from stuff like football games and Black Friday and really celebrate Thanksgiving like the Pilgrims did.  It’s taught me so much about the history of this great nation,” he said, while collecting smallpox-infected blankets for distribution to Denton’s homeless population.

Despite the day’s grotesque carnival of wholesale slaughter, participating students say there’s always room for compromise.

“I like my cranberry sauce in a can, but my buddy Steve likes to make it himself on the stove with a sack of frozen cranberries and a little sugar,” said English junior Jim Darrel. “We went ahead and stole both from Kroger after murdering the cashier, stealing his land and enslaving his children, just to be sure. Happy Thanksgiving!”

Uninformed freshman convinced Ferguson a ‘Cosby Show’ character

Due to an utterly tragic and ever-expanding series of hamfisted misunderstandings, UNT psychology freshman Todd Chester mistakenly believes that the city of Ferguson — a suburb of St. Louis, Missouri, currently embroiled in racially-motivated riots following the decision of a grand jury not to charge white police officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown — is actually a character from “The Cosby Show.”

“I saw a bunch of cops and people going crazy on TV, and they kept talking about Ferguson,” Chester explained, painfully unaware of his own cringe-inducing jackassery. “And then I remembered there was some thing on BuzzFeed last week about all those women accusing Bill Cosby of rape, and I started thinking, wasn’t there a guy on ‘The Cosby Show’ named Ferguson? That’s when all the pieces fell together,” he said, describing his cockeyed theory while somehow avoiding open manholes and other hazards commonly encountered by simpletons.

“Like, one of the Huxtable kids had him as a really tough substitute teacher on some episode. Or maybe there was an Uncle Ferguson. He might have been a guest star,” Chester pondered, wracking a brain with lower voltage than a potato-powered clock.

The notable dolt went on to state that he actually believes the rioters in Ferguson are protesting the removal of “The Cosby Show” from television syndication, rather than what they view as a racially-motivated, police-sponsored murder.

“I don’t understand why they don’t just buy the DVDs,” the idiot mused.

The full-blown bumpkin then explained that while he thinks Cosby’s alleged sexual assaults should be exposed, he understands the importance of “The Cosby Show” to the black community.

“I can see why they might be mad about losing such a great show,” Chester said, somehow continuing to breathe unaided. “Losing your faith in a great role model like Bill Cosby could make anyone want to riot.”

Despite Chester’s inability to understand a news story without fucking it up completely, his peers still hold the assclown’s brain in high regard.

“It’s really admirable that Todd stays so informed on current events,” said his roommate Patrick Dylan. “I’ve never even heard of Ferguson.”