UNT celebrates traditional Thanksgiving with slaughter of native Dentonites

The spirit of Thanksgiving is alive today at the University of North Texas — and thousands of Denton residents are dead, dying or wishing they were. That’s because this year, UNT History Department Chair Jack Winthrop is bringing the holiday back to its savage, genocidal roots. So what’s going on with Turkey Day in this quirky college town?

“I was tired of crass consumerism and tacky decor transforming this pure and pious holiday into a celebration of excess,” Winthrop explained. “The best way to bring this noble day of Christian observance back to its original intent, in my opinion, is to partake of the bountiful fruits of this fair land of Denton, while bringing the love of the Lord to its native people with a firm hand.”

To carry out Professor Winthrop’s vision, enthusiastic UNT students are donning period-accurate Pilgrim garb, taking up arms and waging a campaign of genocidal destruction upon the people of Denton, with the end goal of purifying the fertile land of savagery and exploiting its rich natural resources for their own personal gain.

But Winthrop says students don’t have to worry — they’ll still be able to find all their traditional Thanksgiving favorites this year.

“You’ll find plenty of stuffing — stuffing mangled corpses into dumpsters, that is! And don’t forget the cranberry sauce! It’s blood,” he said.

“What you thought was cranberry sauce is actually blood,” he added.

Journalism freshman Samuel Carver said he’s enjoying the holiday more than ever before.

“It’s nice to get away from stuff like football games and Black Friday and really celebrate Thanksgiving like the Pilgrims did.  It’s taught me so much about the history of this great nation,” he said, while collecting smallpox-infected blankets for distribution to Denton’s homeless population.

Despite the day’s grotesque carnival of wholesale slaughter, participating students say there’s always room for compromise.

“I like my cranberry sauce in a can, but my buddy Steve likes to make it himself on the stove with a sack of frozen cranberries and a little sugar,” said English junior Jim Darrel. “We went ahead and stole both from Kroger after murdering the cashier, stealing his land and enslaving his children, just to be sure. Happy Thanksgiving!”

Uninformed freshman convinced Ferguson a ‘Cosby Show’ character

Due to an utterly tragic and ever-expanding series of hamfisted misunderstandings, UNT psychology freshman Todd Chester mistakenly believes that the city of Ferguson — a suburb of St. Louis, Missouri, currently embroiled in racially-motivated riots following the decision of a grand jury not to charge white police officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown — is actually a character from “The Cosby Show.”

“I saw a bunch of cops and people going crazy on TV, and they kept talking about Ferguson,” Chester explained, painfully unaware of his own cringe-inducing jackassery. “And then I remembered there was some thing on BuzzFeed last week about all those women accusing Bill Cosby of rape, and I started thinking, wasn’t there a guy on ‘The Cosby Show’ named Ferguson? That’s when all the pieces fell together,” he said, describing his cockeyed theory while somehow avoiding open manholes and other hazards commonly encountered by simpletons.

“Like, one of the Huxtable kids had him as a really tough substitute teacher on some episode. Or maybe there was an Uncle Ferguson. He might have been a guest star,” Chester pondered, wracking a brain with lower voltage than a potato-powered clock.

The notable dolt went on to state that he actually believes the rioters in Ferguson are protesting the removal of “The Cosby Show” from television syndication, rather than what they view as a racially-motivated, police-sponsored murder.

“I don’t understand why they don’t just buy the DVDs,” the idiot mused.

The full-blown bumpkin then explained that while he thinks Cosby’s alleged sexual assaults should be exposed, he understands the importance of “The Cosby Show” to the black community.

“I can see why they might be mad about losing such a great show,” Chester said, somehow continuing to breathe unaided. “Losing your faith in a great role model like Bill Cosby could make anyone want to riot.”

Despite Chester’s inability to understand a news story without fucking it up completely, his peers still hold the assclown’s brain in high regard.

“It’s really admirable that Todd stays so informed on current events,” said his roommate Patrick Dylan. “I’ve never even heard of Ferguson.”

UNT uses eminent domain to seize student’s lunch

After the University of North Texas announced last month that it may use its right of eminent domain to acquire the Sack & Save grocery store property adjacent to the campus, the university’s administration has announced a plan to again use eminent domain to seize the lunch of freshman student Diego Greene.

UNT Facilities Manager Jim Hull said that utilizing the university’s legal right to the student’s lunch, which is allegedly an “amazing looking” ham sandwich, is a necessary step toward the goal of becoming a top-tier research institution.

“This acquisition requires a rapid timeline of execution, keeping in mind the close proximity of lunchtime,” he said, glancing hungrily at his watch. “We feel that we know best how to use this sandwich, which might have been wasted in the hands of a student, as a tool to satisfy the university’s hunger for growth.”

UNT System Chancellor Lee Jackson assured students that while seizing Greene’s lunch may not directly benefit them now, it will undoubtedly serve untold numbers of hungry students in the years to come.

“Just look at that thing. There’s ham, Swiss, I may have even seen some avocado peeking out from under that crusty bread. My God, this student’s sandwich couldn’t be more perfect for the needs of a growing flagship university,” he said.

“We’ve also heard unconfirmed reports of Sun Chips,” he added.

Greene, a freshman psychology major, said that while he supports the university and respects their right of eminent domain, he’s not sure how taking his lunch will benefit the school.

“I mean, I know this university is growing, both in size and reputation. But what am I supposed to eat now? Do they really expect me to find the fresh bread, meat and produce necessary to create a sandwich this good at a fucking CVS?”

UNT fraternity pledge diagnosed with Ebola

A second case of the deadly hemorrhagic fever Ebola on American soil has reportedly appeared at the Gamma Delta Iota fraternity house at the University of North Texas. An unnamed freshman pledge at the fraternity was allegedly admitted to Denton’s Regional Hospital after displaying symptoms of the disease last night.

The freshman allegedly contracted the dangerous virus during an event called “Toilet Tuesday,” in which pledges compete to see who can clean one of the fraternity’s toilets the fastest using only their faces. As per university hazing policy, a fraternity spokesperson reassured reporters that Toilet Tuesday is completely optional and that pledges are not required to undergo the activity.

It is unclear exactly how the Ebola virus, which has killed more than 3,000 people over the course of an epidemic lasting for much of the year in West African countries including Liberia and Sierra Leone, was present in the fraternity’s toilet. The first American case of Ebola was diagnosed in Dallas yesterday.

Ray Gerstwhile, a spokesperson for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, reassured students at UNT that the risk of infection is statistically low, and that classes should continue to operate and the university should consider the fraternity’s Ebola outbreak completely normal, just as long as you consider normal life a hellish prison of doubt, fear and suffering.

“Frankly, the students on this campus should prepare themselves for a horrible, but mercifully quick death by the dark hand of an undoubtedly angry, indifferent God. But that is not to say we should panic — nay, panic, like our efforts to contain this apocalyptic plague, is but a farce, a puppet show put on to distract the human race from its utter cosmic insignificance,” he said.

“The black veil of obliteration is falling across this cursed Earth, and the only proper course of action is to lie down in the street and embrace the coming tide of inevitable death,” he added. “I am the darkness that closes in from the corners of your eyes. I am legion. I am eternal.”

Financial woes force UNT president to open lemonade stand

After a financial investigation by the State Auditor’s Office determined that UNT owes at least $75.6 million to the State of Texas due to years of budgetary mismanagement, University President “Nasty Neal” Smatresk hopes to raise the money the only way he can — setting up a lemonade stand on campus.

Neal Smatresk’s Mean Green Lemonade will continue to sell “delicious, refreshing” lemonade to thirsty students for 5 cents a cup until the debt to the state is paid off, President Smatresk said.

“Look, I’m no stranger to poor financial record keeping,” Smatresk said. “Back when I was dealing, I’d short people all the time and almost got my legs broken for it by some shifty Yakuza types. But I learned my lesson, and now I’m going to raise the money the right way with this honest, legitimate business.”

At 5 cents per cup, the President will have to sell more than 1.5 billion cups of lemonade to pay off the debt. Still, Smatresk says he’s optimistic. “I get the lemons from my mom, so my overhead costs are almost zero,” he said.

Smatresk added that if there’s still any money left over after paying back the $75.6 million, he plans on using it to buy a new bike.

Despite rumors that UNT’s well-known party president is using the stand under cover of night as a hub for illegal gambling, bare-knuckle boxing matches and prostitution, no living sources are willing to go on record as of press time.

UNT President declared ‘overqualified’ to roll blunts for Waka Flocka Flame

Weed-loving rapper Waka Flocka Flame made headlines last week after posting a job opening in his entourage for a personal blunt roller, with a starting salary of $50,000. After announcing Thursday that the position had been filled by actor Seth Rogen, Waka explained to Eagle reporters that while he previously considered UNT Party President “Nasty Neal” Smatresk the top candidate for the job, the president actually turned out to be “overqualified.”

“Nasty Neal’s blunt knocked me flat on my ass after one puff. This guy should be rolling for like, Arabic sheiks and shit, not me,” he said. “Besides, if I hit this before going on stage I don’t think I’d have any flow left.”

Neal “Trap Dean” Smatresk said he has been packing blunts for more than 50 years, and his unmatched technique “flat out baffled” Mr. Flame.

“I was rolling blunts in my old man’s balls,” self-proclaimed Hood Pope Smatresk explained. “I’m totally gonna party with this guy, but he needs someone with a more mellow roll, y’all feel me? I pack these swishers like I’m about to launch the hood into space. Y’all motherfuckers forget why they call us the Mean Green?”

Upon hearing that Seth Rogen was chosen for the position instead, Nasty Neal laughed, and with a twinkle in his eye, boasted that he taught “that little puke Seth” everything he knows about bluntcraft.

“He’ll do a great job,” the Party President said. “I couldn’t handle the pay cut anyway.”

Despite turning him down for a job, Waka says he’s excited to collaborate with President “Honey Bear” Smatresk on an EP, “Dean of Dank,” set to drop early next year.

SGA meeting disrupted by dastardly mouse

A meeting of the UNT Student Government Association was called off yet again this morning after a villainous rodent scurried into the fray, scattering the organization’s frightened members hither and thither.

According to numerous accounts of the pandemonium, the SGA was minutes away from formulating a plan to better represent the student body when the ruffian mouse made a bold dash across the meeting room table to the sound of shrieks and absconding senators.

“Confound that diabolical rodent!” grumbled SGA President Troy Elliott, waving his cane wildly at the beast from across the room. “Begone, you disorderly beast!”

SGA Intern Gertrude Fuller said the mouse has disrupted nearly every meeting so far this semester.

“Every time the student senate gathers to accomplish any of our goals, that filthy animal appears like magic to spoil the whole affair,” she said, standing on a chair and lifting her petticoat out of the mouse’s reach. “I say, if that vermin gets inside my bloomers I’ll positively faint.”

SGA Vice President Kam Willard said that until the terrible creature is dealt with, the SGA will be unable to accomplish nearly anything.

“This foul brute of a mouse seems to have his tiny little heart set upon preventing this government from performing its daily duties,” he said. “Until the menace is eradicated, there’s very little we can do besides tweeting.”

Mean Green football fans excited to blame violent behavior on beer sales

This fall, Apogee Stadium at UNT plans to sell beer at Mean Green football games for the first time, and fans of the team are excited to implicate the alcohol as the reason for an assortment of violent outbursts before, during and after home games.

“Before this season, Mean Green fans could only get a little rowdy, since it was impossible to be drunk at a game until now,” explained Coach Dan McCarney. “This fall, things are gonna change. I anticipate at least one or two good old-fashioned field rushes and a handful of stabbings. Whether or not we win. It’s inevitable, really,” he said.

Tomorrow’s game against SMU will be the first home game with beer sales for the Mean Green, and fans are already preparing for incredible feats of intoxicated hooliganism.

“If we lose to SMU, those rich little shits aren’t leaving the parking lot in one piece,” said Laron Clay, self-described Mean Green “superfan.”

“Let’s just say that somewhere in Denton, a bike is missing its chain,” he said. “Plus, I bought a police baton off Amazon.”

Clay said the new beer sales will provide plausible deniability for fans who succumb to their violent urges against fans of opposing teams, making their actions impossible to judge, even if they only actually drink “two or three brews.”

“If one of those overgrown frat boys from SMU tries to shake my hand, I’ll dust his fucking clock,” said Clay, whipping his bike chain around over his head like a lasso and sporting a visible erection.

When asked about tomorrow’s game, Mean Green mascot Scrappy, though unwilling to speak to Electric Eagle reporters, mimed an elaborate routine of caving in a man’s skull with an empty bottle and running away before police arrived.

Founder of obscure satirical newspaper to speak at UNT

A series of guest speaker appearances at UNT will continue later this month with a talk by a man named “Scott Dikkers,” who is the alleged founder of an obscure satirical newspaper known as “The Onion.”

This “Onion,” which supposedly runs fake news stories in print and online, is so undistinguished that not a single member of the Electric Eagle’s staff has ever heard of it.

It is uncertain what Dikkers will speak about, considering the small and unimportant nature of his line of work, but we can only imagine that he’ll spend most of his time shamelessly promoting the embarassing joke rag on which he has squandered his miserable life to the most naive, gullible members of our student body.

Dikkers, whose last name is probably a funnier joke than any found in his unpopular humor publication, will appear on campus on Thursday, Sep. 18.

University introduces controversial new ‘Eagle Enslaved’ tuition plan

After the overwhelming popularity of the new Eagle Express accelerated tuition plan, the financial administration of UNT is ready to take affordable college education one step further. Yesterday, the school’s Board of Regents unveiled the “Eagle Enslaved” tuition track — which is exactly what it sounds like.

The details of the plan are simple: Students will receive 15 free hours of credit per semester in exchange for spending their summers, weekends, early mornings, late evenings, holidays, and essentially any other time they aren’t attending class working in the school’s new plantation-style farming community a few miles south of campus. Individuals utilizing the plan will have the opportunity to work outdoors, gaining valuable hands-on agricultural experience.

Students will have to wait until the beginning of next semester to give the plan a try, but the intense nature of the slavery-based tuition payment structure has already attracted controversy.

“I’m willing to work two humiliating minimum-wage jobs and burden myself with a lifetime of crippling debt to pay for classes,” said freshman psychology major Diane Rinkle, “But actual slavery makes me uncomfortable, for some reason. Toiling in the fields? Shit, do you know how hot it gets out there?”

Despite criticism, UNT Student Affairs spokesperson Gene Matlock said that despite its “snappy title,” the new tuition plan technically does not constitute full enslavement, since students using the program are compensated for their labor in the form of credit hours.

“History buffs will love this option, since it offers students the opportunity to experience our nation’s long history of chattel slavery and indentured servitude firsthand,” he said. “That sweat pouring down your brow? Son, that’s the American dream you’re soaking in.”