UNT celebrates traditional Thanksgiving with slaughter of native Dentonites

The spirit of Thanksgiving is alive today at the University of North Texas — and thousands of Denton residents are dead, dying or wishing they were. That’s because this year, UNT History Department Chair Jack Winthrop is bringing the holiday back to its savage, genocidal roots. So what’s going on with Turkey Day in this quirky college town?

“I was tired of crass consumerism and tacky decor transforming this pure and pious holiday into a celebration of excess,” Winthrop explained. “The best way to bring this noble day of Christian observance back to its original intent, in my opinion, is to partake of the bountiful fruits of this fair land of Denton, while bringing the love of the Lord to its native people with a firm hand.”

To carry out Professor Winthrop’s vision, enthusiastic UNT students are donning period-accurate Pilgrim garb, taking up arms and waging a campaign of genocidal destruction upon the people of Denton, with the end goal of purifying the fertile land of savagery and exploiting its rich natural resources for their own personal gain.

But Winthrop says students don’t have to worry — they’ll still be able to find all their traditional Thanksgiving favorites this year.

“You’ll find plenty of stuffing — stuffing mangled corpses into dumpsters, that is! And don’t forget the cranberry sauce! It’s blood,” he said.

“What you thought was cranberry sauce is actually blood,” he added.

Journalism freshman Samuel Carver said he’s enjoying the holiday more than ever before.

“It’s nice to get away from stuff like football games and Black Friday and really celebrate Thanksgiving like the Pilgrims did.  It’s taught me so much about the history of this great nation,” he said, while collecting smallpox-infected blankets for distribution to Denton’s homeless population.

Despite the day’s grotesque carnival of wholesale slaughter, participating students say there’s always room for compromise.

“I like my cranberry sauce in a can, but my buddy Steve likes to make it himself on the stove with a sack of frozen cranberries and a little sugar,” said English junior Jim Darrel. “We went ahead and stole both from Kroger after murdering the cashier, stealing his land and enslaving his children, just to be sure. Happy Thanksgiving!”

4 cool things to do in Denton this weekend

1. Plan a baby kidnapping competition with your friends. The younger the baby, the better — they’re easier to carry! For extra fun, leave quirky ransom notes behind, asking for something silly like a whole pound of jelly beans! Threaten their child with violence if they do not comply.

2. Denton is famous for its creepy old buildings and scary stories, so why not go on a ghost hunt? First, camouflage yourself to look like one, or else you’ll spook them away! Try wearing white bedsheets and a pillow case to cover your head — don’t forget the eye holes! Ghosts, like demons, hate Jesus, so be sure to carry a cross with you. The bigger, the better!

3. If you’ve got a neighbor with a loud, annoying dog, give this cool prank a try. First, carefully remove their dog and replace it with a dead version of their dog. Then hide in a bush nearby. Once they figure out the crazy switcheroo, yell “Gotcha!” You won’t believe the looks on their faces!

4. If you’re still bored, try sliding into the DMs (“Divine Messages”) of your nearest church, repenting of your sins, and pledging obedience to The Lord to live a life of purity. After all, pranks and parties are fun, but spending your eternity in Heaven is the trillest of all.