Six can’t-miss UNT classes to take this fall

Picking classes for the fall at UNT puts you face-to-face with an overwhelming mountain of completely lame bullshit. History? Snore. Science? Liberal propaganda. Capstone? What the fuck is that, anyway?

Thankfully, it’s not too late to switch out of these lame “mandatory” classes and do what you really came to college for: expanding your horizons! Next time you’re dreading taking your fourth Spanish class or whatever, swap in these gems instead.

PHED 2069: Intermediate Babymaking

From fornication to fertilization, learn how to put a little miracle inside that girl with the lazy eye from anthropology. Just make sure you have the proper baby-making music ready at all times.

COMM 1010: Introduction to Introductions

This intro-level class will introduce students to introducing themselves. If you like this course, consider taking its follow-up classes: Intermediate Intermediaries 101010 and Advanced Advancement 10101010.

LSCM 1169: Collaborative Cartel Infrastructure

Is your drug trafficking outfit ripping at the seams? Run a tight crystal ship with this foolproof course in discipline, reinforcement and waterboarding, for all the skills you need to push your crystal blue persuasion.

Prerequisite(s): CHEM 1400 or equivalent.

CJUS 800D: Advanced Dickpunching

Refine your groin clobbering technique with Professor “Nasty Neal” Smatresk’s patented dickpunching program. Protective equipment and medicated ointment required.

THEA 455: Assclowning Practicum

Clown asses? Asses that look like clowns? There’s only one way to find out.

HNRS 4173: Honors Classical Arson

Study fire-setting techniques from the pyromaniacs of antiquity while collaborating on a group project to burn down your choice of campus building.

Enraged UNT President punches student right in the dick

A Mean Green spirit rally turned violent last night after sitting UNT President Neal Smatresk allegedly punched a student directly in the dick after being provoked by the freshman’s apparent lack of school spirit.

Smatresk, who called a press conference this morning to address the incident, says the unnamed freshman was “jerking around on his stupid phone like an asshole” when the president asked the crowd to stand and perform the UNT Fight Song. Smatresk then allegedly flew into a rage, ascended three flights of stairs and struck the student in the groin with a closed fist.

The student, who wishes to remain anonymous, is currently recovering at Denton Regional Hospital, and declined to comment for this story.

At today’s press conference, Smatresk was unapologetic. “Yeah, I punched that little turd cutter right in the junk,” he said. “I’d do it again if I didn’t have an appointment to shoot a porno with his mom in an hour.”

“I’m going to fuck his dad, too,” Smatresk added. “Gonna plow the old man like an Amish farmer. Then I’m gonna play the video at their precious little son’s graduation. I hope that prick marks his calendar, because he’s gonna be seeing me in four years. A whole lot of me, actually. Mostly penetrating his parents with this foot-long battleship cock.”

When a reporter asked the president if he feared legal action from the student, Smatresk didn’t seem worried. “Fuck you,” he explained. “You little bastards need a big fat reminder that the “Mean” in Mean Green isn’t some kind of a fucking joke. It’s a mandate. If Nasty Neal’s gonna have to teach you that the long, hard way, I’m lubed up and ready to roll,” he said, dropping his pants.

Smatresk then told assembled reporters to “stare into [his] long-ass balls” if they had any further questions regarding the alleged dick-punch.