Uninformed freshman convinced Ferguson a ‘Cosby Show’ character

Due to an utterly tragic and ever-expanding series of hamfisted misunderstandings, UNT psychology freshman Todd Chester mistakenly believes that the city of Ferguson — a suburb of St. Louis, Missouri, currently embroiled in racially-motivated riots following the decision of a grand jury not to charge white police officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown — is actually a character from “The Cosby Show.”

“I saw a bunch of cops and people going crazy on TV, and they kept talking about Ferguson,” Chester explained, painfully unaware of his own cringe-inducing jackassery. “And then I remembered there was some thing on BuzzFeed last week about all those women accusing Bill Cosby of rape, and I started thinking, wasn’t there a guy on ‘The Cosby Show’ named Ferguson? That’s when all the pieces fell together,” he said, describing his cockeyed theory while somehow avoiding open manholes and other hazards commonly encountered by simpletons.

“Like, one of the Huxtable kids had him as a really tough substitute teacher on some episode. Or maybe there was an Uncle Ferguson. He might have been a guest star,” Chester pondered, wracking a brain with lower voltage than a potato-powered clock.

The notable dolt went on to state that he actually believes the rioters in Ferguson are protesting the removal of “The Cosby Show” from television syndication, rather than what they view as a racially-motivated, police-sponsored murder.

“I don’t understand why they don’t just buy the DVDs,” the idiot mused.

The full-blown bumpkin then explained that while he thinks Cosby’s alleged sexual assaults should be exposed, he understands the importance of “The Cosby Show” to the black community.

“I can see why they might be mad about losing such a great show,” Chester said, somehow continuing to breathe unaided. “Losing your faith in a great role model like Bill Cosby could make anyone want to riot.”

Despite Chester’s inability to understand a news story without fucking it up completely, his peers still hold the assclown’s brain in high regard.

“It’s really admirable that Todd stays so informed on current events,” said his roommate Patrick Dylan. “I’ve never even heard of Ferguson.”

UNT fraternity pledge diagnosed with Ebola

A second case of the deadly hemorrhagic fever Ebola on American soil has reportedly appeared at the Gamma Delta Iota fraternity house at the University of North Texas. An unnamed freshman pledge at the fraternity was allegedly admitted to Denton’s Regional Hospital after displaying symptoms of the disease last night.

The freshman allegedly contracted the dangerous virus during an event called “Toilet Tuesday,” in which pledges compete to see who can clean one of the fraternity’s toilets the fastest using only their faces. As per university hazing policy, a fraternity spokesperson reassured reporters that Toilet Tuesday is completely optional and that pledges are not required to undergo the activity.

It is unclear exactly how the Ebola virus, which has killed more than 3,000 people over the course of an epidemic lasting for much of the year in West African countries including Liberia and Sierra Leone, was present in the fraternity’s toilet. The first American case of Ebola was diagnosed in Dallas yesterday.

Ray Gerstwhile, a spokesperson for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, reassured students at UNT that the risk of infection is statistically low, and that classes should continue to operate and the university should consider the fraternity’s Ebola outbreak completely normal, just as long as you consider normal life a hellish prison of doubt, fear and suffering.

“Frankly, the students on this campus should prepare themselves for a horrible, but mercifully quick death by the dark hand of an undoubtedly angry, indifferent God. But that is not to say we should panic — nay, panic, like our efforts to contain this apocalyptic plague, is but a farce, a puppet show put on to distract the human race from its utter cosmic insignificance,” he said.

“The black veil of obliteration is falling across this cursed Earth, and the only proper course of action is to lie down in the street and embrace the coming tide of inevitable death,” he added. “I am the darkness that closes in from the corners of your eyes. I am legion. I am eternal.”

A special message from President Smatresk

Listen up, you little turd punchers.

We’re barely a few months away from a shiny new semester, and before one of you robust idiots fucks the whole thing up by falling off a frat house roof drunk or kidnapping a TAMS student, I figured we’d have a little powwow and plot this whole thing out.

As you all probably know, this whole “new union” business is eating large out of my sugar daddy trust fund. But despite the cost, I want to assure you unquestionably that my balls will, in fact, fit comfortably inside the building.

The Gruesome Twosome has been tearing up streets and cracking foundations for decades. That bump in the road on Hickory and Avenue C? All thanks to these testicular titans. But now, we’re gonna have a building on campus that’s big enough for me and my enormous balls, which I’m pretty fucking jazzed about.

That brings me to my overall point, kinda: We’re not all that different, you and me. During the day, I might be shaking hands and greeting incoming freshmen, but during the night I’m tossing back cups of lean and backhanding like there’s no fucking tomorrow.

Nasty Neal’s in the trap, and everyone’s getting toasted.

But when I put my pants on in the morning, I put them on just like everyone else. Except I have to cut out that special hole for my monstrous balls, or risk a chafe worse than the one on your mom’s back from pounding her since before you were born and also during your birth.

I am your god, essentially, and it’s time to pay fucking tribute.

Sorry, I got a little off track there. What were we talking about again? Oh, yeah, don’t fuck up this semester, okay? I know we all like to get twisted, but all it takes is one drunk idiot at a football game with some brass knuckles and bang, we all look like dicks on national TV.

Get stupid on the low and stay out of the public eye, or I’m never gonna move these stacks.

Later, nerds.

– “Nasty Neal” Smatresk, UNT Party President

Icebreaker activities at orientation leave record number of freshmen dead

An estimated 1,200 prospective UNT students have lost their lives so far this summer during mandatory icebreaker activities at freshman orientation, according to a university spokesperson. This body count is a new record for the school, exceeding 2013’s death toll by more than 500 students.

Orientation Program Director Raymond Julio says that although this year’s carnival of death was undeniably metal as fuck, campus administration may request changes to the most dangerous icebreaker activities in order to ensure that some portion of UNT’s freshman population is alive to attend classes in the fall.

Particularly under scrutiny is the popular “Lava Nice Day” activity, in which students are required to navigate an increasingly complex ropes course situated directly over a pit of molten lava. Sources confirm that despite its cheerful name, not a single nice day was experienced during the activity – only the horrific spectacle of melting bone entwined with a sickening aroma of seared flesh.

“These activities are intended to break down the barriers between new students, forcing them to band together and confront challenges while forming bonds of friendship that last a lifetime,” said Julio, cackling madly at a looped video of a freshman falling headfirst into the glowing lava pit cut with the Benny Hill theme.

The UNT spokesperson also said that although the “Have an Ice Day” activity, which challenges students to carve a statue of Scrappy from a solid block of ice with pickaxes before freezing to death in a frozen cave, claimed several hundred lives this year, campus administrators liked the resulting statues so much that no changes are planned for the activity next summer.

Dr. Joyce White, Vice President of Student Affairs, says that while the 1,200 dead students will be mourned, their contribution to the campus will be “forever honored” by using their skulls and assorted bones as a foundation for the new Rawlins Hall residence building, set to open next year.

President Smatresk really tearing through poontang at freshman orientation

According to multiple sources, notorious poonhound and UNT President “Nasty Neal” Smatresk is totally annihilating the fresh skirt crop at the university’s freshman orientation this summer.

“Yeah, I play the field,” Smatresk said immediately before sinking a sweet game-winning beer pong shot at a recent fraternity party. “What can I say? I’m a slave to the pussy game.”

The 63-year-old man says he accredits a long string of successful hookups to his skilled, generous sexual technique. “I get those thighs shaking,” Smatresk said. “Wear ’em like they’re earmuffs, no shit.”

The university president added that while he’s “not some kind of weirdo” and makes sure his conquests are of legal age before “moving in for the kill,” he doesn’t think there’s anything strange about the difference in age between himself and his partners.

“Shit, man, this ain’t their first ball game, they definitely know what they’re doing. You know that $23 million UNT ‘lost’ this year? Bought a lot of sugar for this daddy. Scored my babes some sweet-ass cribs with that dough. Not to mention the child support. Jesus, is this thing still on? If you print this, I’ll fucking kidnap you.”

Freshman orientation leader briefly forgets to be obnoxious

Brad Fisher, a freshman orientation leader this summer at UNT, inadvertently failed to follow school guidelines by forgetting to be completely obnoxious for a few minutes yesterday while on a tour with his orientation group.

Fisher, who says he’s “only doing this stupid orientation thing” to make his parents happy after receiving poor grades last semester, claims his momentary slip-up could have happened to anyone.

“So I’m dragging these little shits around for yet another god-awful campus tour, and normally I’d be blabbing fucking incessantly about all the opportunities for involvement available to UNT students, and how if they can’t find a student organization that’s right for them, well, holy shit, they can start their own, but then one of the cooler dudes in my group asked me if it’s hard to find weed on campus and I just kinda slipped up and started telling him about the party scene in Denton,” he said.

Orientation program director Jessica Duncan said that while such lapses are regrettable, they’re not uncommon in a program that asks its group leaders to be such odious tools every time they open their mouths. “Our leaders are required to spew mountains of enthusiastic bullshit about how wonderful everything is on this campus literally every time they talk to their group. It’s inevitable that one might occasionally tell new students something they actually want to hear,” she said.

“As long as they immediately recognize their mistake and launch into a fucking absurd speech about the indoor climbing wall at the gym, or how ‘totally epic’ events like Eagle Insomnia are, there’s a good chance those little moneybags we call freshmen won’t even notice. It’s not like they listen to any of that shit anyway.”

Fisher says he’s also forgotten not to hook up with the girls in his orientation group for “at least” the last three sessions.

Enraged UNT President punches student right in the dick

A Mean Green spirit rally turned violent last night after sitting UNT President Neal Smatresk allegedly punched a student directly in the dick after being provoked by the freshman’s apparent lack of school spirit.

Smatresk, who called a press conference this morning to address the incident, says the unnamed freshman was “jerking around on his stupid phone like an asshole” when the president asked the crowd to stand and perform the UNT Fight Song. Smatresk then allegedly flew into a rage, ascended three flights of stairs and struck the student in the groin with a closed fist.

The student, who wishes to remain anonymous, is currently recovering at Denton Regional Hospital, and declined to comment for this story.

At today’s press conference, Smatresk was unapologetic. “Yeah, I punched that little turd cutter right in the junk,” he said. “I’d do it again if I didn’t have an appointment to shoot a porno with his mom in an hour.”

“I’m going to fuck his dad, too,” Smatresk added. “Gonna plow the old man like an Amish farmer. Then I’m gonna play the video at their precious little son’s graduation. I hope that prick marks his calendar, because he’s gonna be seeing me in four years. A whole lot of me, actually. Mostly penetrating his parents with this foot-long battleship cock.”

When a reporter asked the president if he feared legal action from the student, Smatresk didn’t seem worried. “Fuck you,” he explained. “You little bastards need a big fat reminder that the “Mean” in Mean Green isn’t some kind of a fucking joke. It’s a mandate. If Nasty Neal’s gonna have to teach you that the long, hard way, I’m lubed up and ready to roll,” he said, dropping his pants.

Smatresk then told assembled reporters to “stare into [his] long-ass balls” if they had any further questions regarding the alleged dick-punch.