UNT to become meth-free campus by 2017

University of North Texas officials unveiled a new policy decision today to declare the UNT campus a meth-free zone by the spring of 2017.

Banning the use of crystal methamphetamine, which the UNT administration claims is for the improvement of student health, will require substantial changes to existing campus structures.

According to the policy announcement, the bins outside most buildings intended for meth pipe disposal will be repurposed into flower pots, and the communal student meth lab operated in the lounge of the chemistry building will be converted to produce ethanol fuel for hybrid cars.

Smokeless meth products and electronic meth pipes can be used outside at least 25 feet from a facility entrance as long as waste products are disposed of properly, according to the policy.

The new rules will also forbid the distibution or sale of meth products on campus, a decision some students say will harm their livelihoods.

“If I can’t push mad crystal to little freshie tweakers between classes, I won’t be able to afford tuition,” said Henry Glazer, a Criminal Justice student at UNT.

University spokesperson Ray Stella said that students are still allowed to smoke meth in their cars, as long as the windows are rolled up and Van Halen’s “Runnin’ with the Devil” is playing.

UNT President “Nasty Neal” Smatresk refused to comment on the decision, angrily shoving a reporter and demanding to see if he was wearing a wire. However, an anonymous source sent us this drawing of UNT’s party president trying to smoke his whole stash before the ban goes into effect in three years.