A second case of the deadly hemorrhagic fever Ebola on American soil has reportedly appeared at the Gamma Delta Iota fraternity house at the University of North Texas. An unnamed freshman pledge at the fraternity was allegedly admitted to Denton’s Regional Hospital after displaying symptoms of the disease last night.
The freshman allegedly contracted the dangerous virus during an event called “Toilet Tuesday,” in which pledges compete to see who can clean one of the fraternity’s toilets the fastest using only their faces. As per university hazing policy, a fraternity spokesperson reassured reporters that Toilet Tuesday is completely optional and that pledges are not required to undergo the activity.
It is unclear exactly how the Ebola virus, which has killed more than 3,000 people over the course of an epidemic lasting for much of the year in West African countries including Liberia and Sierra Leone, was present in the fraternity’s toilet. The first American case of Ebola was diagnosed in Dallas yesterday.
Ray Gerstwhile, a spokesperson for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, reassured students at UNT that the risk of infection is statistically low, and that classes should continue to operate and the university should consider the fraternity’s Ebola outbreak completely normal, just as long as you consider normal life a hellish prison of doubt, fear and suffering.
“Frankly, the students on this campus should prepare themselves for a horrible, but mercifully quick death by the dark hand of an undoubtedly angry, indifferent God. But that is not to say we should panic — nay, panic, like our efforts to contain this apocalyptic plague, is but a farce, a puppet show put on to distract the human race from its utter cosmic insignificance,” he said.
“The black veil of obliteration is falling across this cursed Earth, and the only proper course of action is to lie down in the street and embrace the coming tide of inevitable death,” he added. “I am the darkness that closes in from the corners of your eyes. I am legion. I am eternal.”
The Electric Eagle 