UNT doctors request funds to research ‘weird dangly thing in your throat’

Medical researchers at UNT filed a request Monday for more than $15 million in grants, earmarked specifically for the investigation of “the weird dangly thing that just hangs there at the back of your throat.”

“It’s totally sick,” said Dr. Allan Hessel, Administrative Director of Medical Research at the UNT Health Science Center. “But it’s also kind of cool,” he added, prodding the back of a cadaver’s throat with the tip of a pencil.

“Look at the way it wiggles when I poke it,” Hessel said. “It’s like his mouth has a ballsack.”

The Center says it has no previous research to reference, and that current trials related to investigating the weird-ass egg sac-looking thing consist mainly of poking it and taking the occasional Instagram picture.

“We’re all totally grossed out over here,” said researcher Craig Dungess. “What if it’s full of boogers or something?”

The research student went on to explain that “the little punching bag dealio back there” may forever remain an unsolvable mystery, just like how magnets work, what holds the moon up, and whether or not girls pee from their butts.

UNT unveils new interdimensional trash warping systems

In an effort to decrease waste on campus and continue a tradition of sustainability, the UNT facilities department has installed 12 new trash bins around campus designed to warp trash into other, less important dimensions.

The complex rubbish container uses an internal hadron collider to accelerate trash particles to a speed fast enough to break through dimensional fabrics and shoot the trash out of our sad, throwaway culture, hopefully directly on top of some shitty aliens somewhere.

UNT sustainability outreach coordinator Nicole Cocco called the technology “absolutely dope as fuck,” but said she has no earthly idea how it actually works.

“Jesus Christ,” she explained. “Seriously, what the hell. It hisses and makes cool laser sounds and the trash is just gone.”

Students have been warned not to insert their hands, legs or genitals into the bins, which could cause these appendages to be severed from the body and sent spiraling through space and time and likely end up in the front yard of some dick-looking snake alien dudes or whatever.

Environmental science graduate students believe this ripshit-awesome technology could solve trash disposal problems for several thousand years, at least until the collision with the Andromeda galaxy in 18039, when dimensional crossovers are most likely.

“We may have to pay the price someday,” said one student. “But until then, we should be totally free to dump anything into neighboring dimensions. Fuck everyone who isn’t me.”