This fall, Apogee Stadium at UNT plans to sell beer at Mean Green football games for the first time, and fans of the team are excited to implicate the alcohol as the reason for an assortment of violent outbursts before, during and after home games.
“Before this season, Mean Green fans could only get a little rowdy, since it was impossible to be drunk at a game until now,” explained Coach Dan McCarney. “This fall, things are gonna change. I anticipate at least one or two good old-fashioned field rushes and a handful of stabbings. Whether or not we win. It’s inevitable, really,” he said.
Tomorrow’s game against SMU will be the first home game with beer sales for the Mean Green, and fans are already preparing for incredible feats of intoxicated hooliganism.
“If we lose to SMU, those rich little shits aren’t leaving the parking lot in one piece,” said Laron Clay, self-described Mean Green “superfan.”
“Let’s just say that somewhere in Denton, a bike is missing its chain,” he said. “Plus, I bought a police baton off Amazon.”
Clay said the new beer sales will provide plausible deniability for fans who succumb to their violent urges against fans of opposing teams, making their actions impossible to judge, even if they only actually drink “two or three brews.”
“If one of those overgrown frat boys from SMU tries to shake my hand, I’ll dust his fucking clock,” said Clay, whipping his bike chain around over his head like a lasso and sporting a visible erection.
When asked about tomorrow’s game, Mean Green mascot Scrappy, though unwilling to speak to Electric Eagle reporters, mimed an elaborate routine of caving in a man’s skull with an empty bottle and running away before police arrived.
The Electric Eagle 